In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “First Crush.”

My first childhood crush was in kidnergarten. I shit you not. I was always way ahead of the game.  His name was Brendan and he had these blue eyes that were piercing and these full lips. He was dreamy as a 4 year old.   It was completely innocent. I just wanted to read books with him and have him share his action figures with me and maybe get a hug every once in a while. Anyway, during something at school, i got the balls to grab him by the face and smack a good one on his cheek.  I don’t even know where it came from.  It’s not like i had a lot of experience watching girls kiss boys. I have an older sister who is 10 years older than me, but she knew better than to make out with her boyfriends in front of me.  After I kissed him he then promptly ran away. He continued to run away from me for the entirety that i attended that elementary school until i moved a town over.  Even when I would go back to that school for different events he would spot me and run in the other direction.

I can’t say i necessarily blame him because what 4 year old boy wants to get kissed by an icky girl with cooties? i was well beyond my years when i pulled my move. I should have taken it as a sign then that being bold and making the first move scares most guys away.  Even now in my mid 20s i scare most men away with a variety of things. My confidence, my intelligence, my “I don’t give a fuck what you think of me” attitude, my honesty, wit, sarcasm, sass..whatever.  It all ends up being the same. They’re not all man enough to deal with me.

I have no clue what Brendan is doing. We clearly lost touch years ago, and even though i continued to hang out and have friends in the town that he ultimately grew up in, we never crossed paths.  If I did see him, i would apologize to him for my rash behavior all those years ago.  i can’t blame it on raging hormones… I had none then.  I would just explain to him that i thought he was super cute back in the day and I’m someone who did, and still does, acts on impulse, no matter how hard I try not to.

He does have an older brother who was attending the same school when we were. He was, if I remember correctly, three or four years older than us.  He was just as dreamy, maybe even dreamier. i was swiping my way to love on Tinder one day when i matched with a super hottie. He was from the same town that I had a brief stint in growing up in and we had a mutual friend. We said our hellos and i mentioned that he looked oddly familiar.  I knew it couldn’t be Brendan because of his age. This guy was older, yet looked him and had those same piercing blue eyes that I fixated on those many years ago.  Turns out this guy was Brendan’s older brother. I couldn’t believe my luck.

We hit it off online and did the typical tinder thing and hook up. We got to talking about how i had a crush on his younger brother and what i did back in kindergarten. He laughed and said. “yeah, my brother was always kind of an idiot in that department. He was stupid to run away from you. Look what you turned out to be.” His words were sweet, but I don’t know how honest they were.   We said we’d meet up again if i was ever down in the area, which for me is rare nowadays.I told him to tell his brother that i said “hey” and “sorry”.We were both stupid and didn’t get each other’s numbers and I think he gave up on Tinder.

In a way I did what i ultimately wanted to do for so many years. If the message was ever received, thats another story. At the end of the day, I don’t know a thing about Brendan. I don’t even know if he would be the kind of guy that i would want to date or be with.

i tell the story about my first crush to my girlfriends and, if the topic comes up, on dates and whatnot. Everyone  says that having a crush in kidnergarten seems a bit premature, but some memories just stick with you.  I don’t know that i would want to necessarily change it if I got the chance to do it all over again.  It’s a memory that is slightly humiliating and funny, in my eyes and teaches me a lot about myself.  When I was little, i wasn’t afraid to go after what i wanted. That’s something that i should remember everyday when I’m trying to conquer the world.