Have you ever been in a crowded room or at a party and you’re standing with a group of people that you don’t know and you’re following their conversation, or at least trying to, and you want to interject and speak your mind, but you feel like it’s never the appropriate time to do so? I get anxious in situations like that. I clam up. I look around at everyone awkwardly hoping that these people notice me, let alone care about what I have to say. You don’t want to say that wrong thing or offend people that you don’t even know. That’s not a good first impression.
Or how about when you’re in the middle of a fight with your sibling, your parents, friends, significant other, and they are constantly taking control of the conversation and they won’t let you get a word in. It gets frustrating and emotions build. Sometimes the way you say things aren’t in the tone that you meant it to be in. You end up hurting people with your words. At times those words can be intentional. You know all the right (and wrong) things to say that can push their buttons. Other times you’re just speaking from your heart and through so much emotion that you let something slip out.
There are some times that i don’t know when to bite my tongue and others when I can’t figure out how to navigate my thoughts into actual words that come out of my mouth, if that makes any sense. I have issues with letting people in and sharing my feelings in certain situations. Out of the frustration of not being able to express my concerns, thoughts, emotions, or feelings, i tend to hold back what i want to say and either say nothing at all or say the one thing that can make the situation worse.
When I have time to write out and think over the things I would like to cover, Im able to identify what i should say, what I want to say, and how to say it. Writing gives me time to think about how I am dealing with whatever situation I’m in, whether I put myself there or not.
Sometimes I just need another way to validate how or why I feel the way that I feel. If I can share that with people I can get feedback, good or bad, wanted or unwanted. I write because I want to share and I want to be heard in that crowded room with dozens of voices. I write because I should be able to explain my side of a fight. I write to calm myself down, to let my brain turn off and stop stewing around with the same thoughts over and over again. I write to free myself and let go.