In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Retrospectively Funny.”

I used to drive a really shitty Honda. It was a silver ’99 Honda Civic EX.  The front bumper was falling off and there were various dents on the door sides from years of parking in a very public mall garage. I had just finished paying off this car after three years.  Although it was shitty, i was able to offic

ially call it mine, and i planned on banking the extra $180 a month. I had big plans for that money.  Well that thought process lasted about 4 days.

i had woken up and gotten ready as usual.  Nothing was out of the ordinary until I got out to my car. You see, I used to have to park it on my residential street. I live in a quiet neighborhood across from a park that has its fair share of juvenile delinquents roaming the grounds at night.  It also has a couple of houses that get rented out to college students going to the local university. Normally nothing happens on my street. Well apparently something happened the night before…

My driver side door wasn’t shut all the way. And if i remembered correctly, I parked a little further up. Holy shit. My ignition was messed with too. i continued to circle the car and see if anything else was off.  i finally realized that my spoiler was also missing and my rear lights had also been removed.  I was FREAKING THE FUCK OUT.  Luckily I remembered that I was using the Progressive snapshot. You’ve seen it on TV in their commercials.  it’s that device that you plug into your car and it calculates a lot of stuff.  Well luckily, it also reports when your car is turned on and how many miles it makes in a trip…My car was turned on at about 3 in the morning and travelled 5 miles. And then they brought it back just before 5 am, when I usually wake up. At this point i began to see that things in my car, that i normally keep, had been missing.  I had a few books, a couple of movies, and some early Christmas presents that I was hiding.  I’m hard-core sobbing at this point. I feel so violated

I look in the trunk and there is this funk wafting into my face.  There’s crumpled up paper towels, and underneath that a heaping, steaming pile of HUMAN SHIT.. Yup, that’s right. Someone took a shit RIGHT INTO MY TRUNK.  Then they proceeded to WIPE THEMSELVES WITH THE PAPER TOWELS.  The paper towels did had streak marks.

WHO THE FUCK TAKES A SHIT INTO THE TRUNK OF A CAR? Did you have Taco Bell earlier?  Do you have food poisoning? Did I do something to upset you?  Actually, strike that last question.  No one does something so awful that the revenge thats deserved warrants a giant shit in your trunk.

When this initially happened I was completely mortified.  The cops didn’t do anything about it.  They were of no help whatsoever.  Even when I suggested that they take a sample to do a DNA test, the cop refused.   The worst part about the whole ordeal was i was emotionally traumatized. I would wake up in the middle of the night and look out my window and “see” people just sitting in my car.   I also had to wait to clean out the poo for several days so that a Progressive rep could see and witness the damage. I had to let that shit sit for THREE DAYS. I also had to clean it out myself.  Once my car was fully repaired and and detailed I still had an issue with smell.  Whenever I turned on the heater (it was October/November) I could still smell it.  It never left, until the same car got stolen again two months later.

Yup, it got STOLEN AGAIN. The cops still didn’t do anything even though i was clearly targeted.

I have to laugh about this situation now.  Even when I tell it face to face I start chuckling once i get to discovering human fecal matter in my trunk.  It’s usually the first time anyone has ever heard a story like that.  It’s certainly not commonplace. Even when I was reporting the incident to the insurance company, the girl on the phone was in complete shock.  Her exact words: “Someone took a dooky in your car? Ew. That’s nasty”

Yeah, no shit.